Unsure Why I...

My Myers-Briggs type is DTF.

Fri, 09 Mar 2012 14:24:27 -0500

AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

EMBRACE IT!

Fri, 09 Dec 2011 20:53:40 -0500

EMBRACE IT!

She's done it again...

Fri, 09 Dec 2011 20:21:00 -0500

Yep. There’s this man that I want to shag like a minx. This tweet prompted my post:

girlpostsNikita

I miss you. All day. Everyday and you cant even imagine how pathetic it makes me feel because i don’t even know if you miss me back.

I feel like I’ve felt this way so often in the past 2 years for different men who live on the opposite coast. Well this one lives in my city. He’s single and travels alot but when he’s in town we get together at “our place” where there’s a sick DJ that spins 1990s rap/r&b on Thursday nights. And so we dance and dance til the place closes. And he can DANCE.

We totally get all pervy on the dance floor to music it’s difficult NOT to get pervy to. He puts his arms around me and we dance close to slower music or he grinds up on me, arms around me for faster music. Or I lay my head on his shoulder and just inhale him yummmmmm. But he hasn’t kissed me and I’m too afraid he’ll push me away.

See- we work together and I know that he doesn’t date people from work and he’s also quite spiritual (he says he’s not “religious” but I call BS), so I know he’s freaked out by my being married. But meanwhile I’m staring at his dark skin against his white button-down shirt and he’s got his hands in my hair and aargh I want to pounce!

He’s insinuated the possibility of hooking up but it’s always in the future. I’m going to NYC with him and a group of friends for New Years Eve and I will be very displeased if I don’t even make out with him. I wish I weren’t so afraid of rejection, but I also feel like as a married person, I shouldn’t make the first move. I know that’s fu*ked up because of course nobody should be making any moves since I’m married…but if you haven’t read any of my other posts, you should know that I am always seeking a connection with other men as my husband and I don’t connect romantically anymore.

I find myself zoning out thinking about this guy and remembering the last time we were together and how it was hard to stop smiling the whole night.

Open All the Way...

Mon, 05 Sep 2011 22:52:05 -0400

So I went to that website my friend suggested about alternative marriage arrangements and it was some pay site, so I did a little Amazon trolling and found a new-ish book, Open All the Way: Confessions From My Open Marriage by Sadie Smythe, which is based on Sadie’s blog, Sadiesopenmarriage.com.

I’m so happy I downloaded this book and encourage anyone in any sort of committed relationship to do so, as it chronicals what can happen (both good and bad) to two people that throw rules and mores out the window.

I wish I had the courage to ask my husband for an open relationship, but as I’ve written before, it would be a selfish request only because I know that it’s very unlikely my husband would ever see anyone else. Asking him would reveal that it is what I want and I know that would hurt him. BUT I did tell him all about the book and even requested that he read it. I pitched it as an interesting way to look at relationships: that your marriage is between you and the one you love, nobody else. And because of that, it is up to the two of you to decide what rules, if any, you have to follow. And that does not necessarily mean monogamy.

A major learning I take away from this is that open marriages doesn’t necessarily just mean one or both people are fucking others. In some cases, they may form meaningful, long-term relationships with others! But in Sadie’s marriage, she realised that her husband was not hers - she didn’t own him. He was on loan to her, and therefore, could be loaned to others. They realized that a person could have many soulmates, and to deny someone the ability to know that person learn from that relationship isn’t fair. I’d also like to note that Scott and her husband, Sadie, have a child just like my husband and I. While I do not necessarily agree with all of her actions and decisions, the overall theme of the book and the honesty between the two of them really inspires me.

I want to include a few quotes from the book that really resonated with me.

“Perhaps we all have been culturally brainwashed to believe that sexual fidelity is the only acceptable construct for the basis of a successful marriage. Certainy there are alternatives?”

“Every relationship we have with someone, be it sexual or emotional like with lovers and spouses, or platonic and transcendent, as with friends, colleagues or peers, each on has the ability to teach us…Part of why we are here is to learn things about ourselves and about eachother through the connections that we form.”

“Everyone should be given the opportunity to design their relationships according to the specifications of those involved.”

“If I relinquish ownership (of my spouse), I relinquish control over that person. And with that, I can let go of the jealousy I feel, which is only a manifestion of my irrational fear. And this brings a peace to me.”

“Stay with a person long enough, and there will come a time that it is necessary to reevaluate the relationship. It’s just the law of the nature of long-term relationships. Unfortunately, most people —and certainly to the ones who cheat — do that reevaluating on their own instead of with their partner.”

“I think men don’t give their wives enough credit sometimes for being open-minded enough to consider an alternative lifestyle when things have become monotonous in the bedroom.”

Now here are some quotes that straight-up apply to me and make me so conflicted about coming clean. Not about what I’ve done, but that I want more freedom in my marriage to at least be with others sexually.

“Is it really easier to cheat on one’s spouse than to be open and honest about one’s feelings?” “It appears to be burdonsome and arduous, all the sneaking around and covering up…” and “Am I a partner in a marriage that is strong enough to sustain the brutal honesty that is often required for it to continue in a happy and functional way?”

I am always open to suggestions from anyone reading - especially if you are in a similar situation. Thank you for reading.

Southwest Airlines - Continues to Reinforce their Anti-Fat Reputation

Thu, 25 Aug 2011 14:47:35 -0400

Southwest Airlines - Continues to Reinforce their Anti-Fat Reputation:

My rant: If an airline is going to suggest I to buy an additional seat, they need to make sure that additional seat is NEXT TO me. They also need to do this respectfully and using discretion. The other passengers shouldn’t know that I had to buy another seat at the possible bumping of another so that I get angst and shitty comments when I get on the plane.

I used to weight 120 lbs more than I do now. I’m still overweight, but I fit in one seat (filling it up) with the arms down. I still dread flying. I am not afraid that the plane will crash or anything like that. I’m afraid of the looks of disgust or comments I get (and received) as a fat person, and that anxiety was overwhelming leading up to and during the flight. And to have to ask for a seatbelt extender??? Just an awful thing to have to do. I continue to say that there is one form of acceptable descrimination - and that’s against overweight people. It has to stop. Shitty looks/comments don’t help anything. In fact, they make the situation worse for everyone involved.

So How Do I Put This Delicately??

Wed, 03 Aug 2011 16:11:33 -0400

So I had a long conversation with a close friend who is aware of the majority of my exploits. She’s even been in vicinity for several. She told me I was a nonconformist because I do not follow rules as an athiest re: marriage. I told her that in terms of my marriage, I’m not a nonconformist but a hypocrite. I took the vows to commit and flagrantly break them. She, however, is a traditionalist - believes that once you commit to someone, that’s it. Period. We’re friends because we have alot of other things in common and because she doesn’t judge me.

Then she asked me a very important question. “What would your husband do if he found out that you cheated? Would he be okay with it?”

I thought a bit and told her that I don’t think he’d be “okay” with it but it likely wouldn’t divorce me because of it. Then she asked me how I think he’d respond if I asked for an open relationship and would he be hurt? This is the question that has been bouncing around my head for years. I never, ever want to hurt him in any way, but I recognize that it’s only a matter of time before I slip up and he finds out that I’ve made out with someone else or worse. But would it hurt him if I asked for an open marriage? I honestly don’t know and I’m unsure if I’m willing to find out. So I have some serious thinking to do. Would I be asking to make myself feel better about future activities or to absolve myself in some way and his expense? Because I don’t believe my husband would go out and have an affair, etc. If he had a sex drive he’d be driving me!

Then my friend told me about her friend Wendy that has an open relationship with her husband, but her husband doesn’t go outside the marriage. It’s more for the wife as the husband is asexual or has become asexual and she has sex with others for her own satisfaction. This astonishes me. My friend told me that it’s really working well for Wendy and her husband and that they’re both happy.

Does the husband sit and obsess with thoughts about what Wendy is doing every time she leaves the house? Or does he see it as a trade-off? She leaves him alone sexually and they have sex a few times a year (whenever he’s interested) and in return, he gives her that freedom.

So my friend gave me a website that I’m going to check out. It’s about customizing a marriage so that both partners are happy and stay happy using multiple aspects of marriages or relationships in general. I’m fascinated! redefiningmonogamy.com

I’ll let you know what I think.

A light, a glimmer...

Wed, 03 Aug 2011 15:45:00 -0400

I’m excited about two things. One - a column response in BUST magazine (my favorite after Rolling Stone. Two - a conversation I had with one of my best friends that made alot of sense and forced me to think about alot of things I’ve been avoiding. Before I continue, if you are a woman (young or not so young) and aren’t reading BUST magazine, please look into it at http://www.bust.com/.

Here’s Dr. Carol Queen’s sex column. First the question and then the response.

My husband and I have been married for two years and we’re on completely different pages when it comes to sex. We started out hot and heavy and things have cooled down, as is only natural, but it’s as if the fire is completely gone for him. I’ve spoken to him many times about how I feel but it’s as if he doesn’t care. The media is always telling us that men are sex-crazed; being constantly turned down makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me. Is it normal for men to lose interest in sex after they get married?

Dr. Queen’s response:

One of the many indications that media and pop culture gender bias isn’t gone: the notion that guys want it more than women. Am woman whose needs aren’t being erotically met by her partner can feel a little crazy; it can be a terrible blow to self-esteem, and even put a relationship in real jeaopardy. There are many reasons his ardor may have cooled. Someo times the constand togetherness and intimacy of a live-in relationship wears down the spark of difference that can fan sexual flames. You may be more outgoing in your communication style; he may be less verbal, and feel overwhelmed when you raise the issue. (I’m deleting a bunch of crap that doesn’t apply to my situation.)

I know, it’s a bit overwhelming, but that’s life and love; many things can affect desire. And yes, it is very common for initial lust to cool down, but all gone in two years? You didn’t sign up for this. The next step is to ask yourself what you want to do about it. Counseling? You might benefit from it even if he won’t go. Open relationship? These aren’t easy to maintain, though some people are bohemian enough (?) to do it. Skip sex? That option pretty much never gets my vote. Is he a stellar partner in all other ways? Then perhaps he’s worth putting in a real effort for, but it sounds like you may need to do some heavy lifting to uncover his unspoken motivations and create a relationship with him that satisfies.

Ok so why did I repost this? Because obviously I’m in the exact same situation, except while the sexual aspect of my marriage fizzled after approximately a year, I have been married an additional 7 years more than the letter-writer has. Why else? Maybe someone may stumble upon this blog or this entry and it may help them. But the main reason is because Dr. Queen has put several options on the table, including opening the relationship. Which brings me to the next post…

Here's how I'm feeling right now (Snow White by Jaymay)

Wed, 20 Jul 2011 14:42:14 -0400

Here's how I'm feeling right now (Snow White by Jaymay):

Which is so dumb. But he’s invading my brain. Obviously I have no concept of what love is anyway if this is how I treat it. But someone posted a great graphic on Tumblr awhile ago that just said “I fall in and out of love every day.”

So hard to find a connection - a true connection - with someone.

Husband’s birthday was this week. You know what that means.

One more thing

Thu, 07 Jul 2011 11:39:16 -0400

So around the beginning of the year I said “new year, new roster.” Not true as one of those guys I referenced started sexting me! So now I have this super secret sexting relationship HAHAHA. This guy is so hot, too. My life is so effing crazy.

Chicago - SOOO great. Me - missing him.

Thu, 07 Jul 2011 11:24:28 -0400

It always happens after a long business trip full of daytime adrenaline and evening debauchery - depression. In addition to vodka withdrawal, I’m having withdrawal from the man I referenced in my previous post(s). Started out weird but then got more comfortable - he kissed me one night and we made out a little bit. Then the next day he tells me he’s “seeing someone” and she’s coming to visit him in Chicago kind of unexpectedly. But that she’d be gone in two days and then he’d be back boozin and terrorizing Chicago with me.

She sounds like a total drag but whatever- I’m in no position to say anything as we’re not committed in any way and I’m married to someone else. So I just did my thang and he did his. Then once she was gone we were back on.

We’ve never gone any further than fooling around and he always pulls back when things are going in that direction. I just shrug my shoulders - whatever. I love making out with him and dancing in the club like I’m 20 and I consider him one of my closest friends because we tell eachother everything. But he’s like me - the more he drinks, the more honest he gets. And he said “Why can’t she be you?” and I just wanted to say - “You have me” but I know he doesn’t in the sense that we could be together anytime. I’d meet him anywhere etc. but in the end I’m just a cheater. But I’ve got it pretty bad for this guy :(

Chicago- will it be New Orleans 2.0?

Sun, 12 Jun 2011 23:22:13 -0400

Soooo I’m 2 weeks from our annual meeting at work and who’s going to be there again but they guy I had the best time with in New Orleans. We made out one night and then just kinda flirted for the rest of the time, but he’s married too and at the time wanted to focus on getting things back on track with his wife, so we just left it that way. We’ve been in touch all year and he’s the guy I was supposed to meet up with in Bermuda (but it didn’t work out), and it’s been pretty vanilla. He hasn’t been flirty via text AT ALL so I kept it straightforward.

Wellllll things pretty much ended with his wife soon after and he’s been cavorting around the country meeting women etc. and now we’re meeting again in Chicago for a little over a week. The weird thing is, last week he texted me a blurry photo of his reflection in a mirror…in his underwear. An extremely unsexy photo, but still, it’s the most “more than friends” anything I’ve had from him in soooo long. In return I sent him a fairly innocuous photo of me in my Supergirl underoos.

I traveled for the first two/three months of this year but have been home since. I haven’t been any more sexually active with my husband - maybe once or twice since Christmas (seriously!) - but things are good between us. By that I mean that we spend alot of time together as a family and I love it.

But I don’t know what to expect with Chicago. My work load is enormous so I don’t think I’ll have the time I had last year to drink/party. I’m sure I’ll still have fun, though. I love my coworkers and we have the best time together, and they really like this guy. I forgot the fake name I gave to him in previous posts ;)

When it rains...

Mon, 25 Apr 2011 22:48:21 -0400

It’s been awhile so I’ll run through a quick update so I have it down and never forget. Shane met me a few weeks ago in New Orleans while I was on work travel. It was so great to have a partner in crime - there of all places, as it’s pure hedonism and debauchery. I spent a rediculous amount of money on strippers and booze and we had a great time, but we spent 3 nights in the same room with nothing more than snuggling, and I’m happy about that. He’s just like me but I’m honestly not that attracted to him, which unnerves me as apparently he’s a total man-whore. I think it may throw him off, too, as he apparently thinks he’s quite the pimp. I love spending time with him, though.

It’s quite the opposite with my man Jake, the guy I see for work every once in awhile. We also enjoy much of the same debauchery and have so much in common re: our marriages and outlook on life, but the difference is I want to rip his clothes off. I’m hoping he’ll be working for us for a week or so in Chicago in July and that we will be able to terrorize Chicago like we did New Orleans last year. We’ve texted back and forth once every few weeks or so but today we spoke for awhile on the phone.

Speaking to him just underscored what I’ve always knew - he gets it. He totally understands what I’m doing and why. He’s dealing with the crumbling of his marriage, though. I, on the other hand, continue to lead a double life. I’m a domestic goddess when I’m home and live the life of a single undergrad when on travel. My husband has no idea what I’m really like and I’d die if he found out. As Jake said, “I don’t feel bad for what I’ve done. Only that the other person is hurting.” I never want my husband to hurt like I know he would if he knew a fraction of my behavior over the past 3 years. He doesn’t deserve that, so as I told Jake, “I will do anything I can to make sure he never finds out.”

The strange thing is, tonight I was putting my son to bed and went for an old notebook. A thick letter folded in half fell out. It’s a letter I wrote to my husband EXACTLY 3 years ago TO THE DAY and I’d totally forgot about. At the time I was so depressed because I felt like I’d been defeated. That I’d fought so hard for our marriage but the last breath of life had just leaked out. Here’s some of what I wrote:

“…Alot of me wants to admit defeat and count myself lucky to have what we once had - intimacy, pain of separation, meaningful conversation and interaction. Being lazy means not feeling rejected or having crying tirades that result in nothing. Acceptance means that I, at 31 years old and married for 5 years, have seen the best of my life and should move on to the next stage. Complacency means accepting my role as a mother as the only role left for me and defining myself as such. In essence, becoming everythin I didn’t want to when we started 13 years ago. I will do it if that’s how you want our life together to be.

“But if by chance you don’t, I need to know now. Before it’s too late to go back, and I feel we’re dangerously close. I’m dying inside, and you decide whether or not I just keep dying until there’s nothing left. Looking at that makes me realize thatI may be being overdramatic, but I know I’m different than 3 months ago, than 6 months ago, than 2 years ago. I feel my spirit dying.

I may never give this to you but I know I’ve basically said it before, only to feel like you don’t hear me. Here it is - if you’re interested in me and in us, show some interest. If not, please tell me so and I’ll just stop fighting against this. I can’t think of anything worse than being lonely in a marriage.”

I never gave it to him. But as I wrote, I’d said basically this several times before. It’d be better for a day or so and then return to how it was. Three years later I’m happier than I ever have been. I never thought that by accepting my marriage for what it’d become - basically roommates who snuggle — would actually be a good thing for my well-being. Some can argue that a life of lies is no way to live, but it’s what I have, and I’ve accepted that too.

Masturbating on Good Friday

Mon, 25 Apr 2011 22:05:40 -0400

Seriously? It makes me so sad that this person is in so much pain. We need to stop beating ourselves (off) up for things that OTHERS may perceive as wrong. I don’t mean to trivialize this at all - I’m just saying that in your life there are things to regret and things to accept about yourself and let go. This, to me, seems to fall in the latter category.

mybiggestregretever:

My biggest regret ever is watching porn and masturbating on Good Friday. I’ve been kind of having problems with my porn and now I just crossed the line masturbating on Good Friday and making the biggest sin you could ever do on the Holiest day ever.

[Female, 19]

Being Stuck in an Asexual Marriage

Fri, 18 Mar 2011 11:23:11 -0400

Being Stuck in an Asexual Marriage:

Just found this article online and thought it may help others as it helped me.

It’s always good to know there are others in the same situation. It helps me feel less alone, I think.

I’m in Columbus, OH for work right now by myself for two weeks. I’ve joined an office of people in order to help them fight some bad legislation, and they’ve been great. But last night I went out for St. Patrick’s Day. I’m not Irish but I’m honestly sick of going back to the hotel every night and watching shitty cable. And SPD is a big deal here - and soo many people were out.

I have a bit of anxiety about walking into bars/clubs/groups of people when I’m alone, so I passed a few bars without going in. Eventually I found a bar with a tent outside and live music and lots of people to get lost in. After a few minutes I was approached by a nice guy -older, married - and met his friends. I was relieved to not be alone anymore and had a great night, but I ended up fooling around with him even though I am not attracted to him at all. I always feel like I kind of owe people when they show interest in me. I fear rejection so much that I’m afraid to reject others.

Best friend of 20 years wants more...

Sun, 23 Jan 2011 23:37:30 -0500

Ok I have a problem and am unsure what to do. My best friend (is also female) since 8th grade wants more physically from me and I’m absolutely not interested in any way, yet she won’t get the point. I always knew that she was bisexual, even before she was willing to admit it. I’m a very vocal LGBT supporter/ally and have been for as long as I remember. Am I bisexual? I don’t think so. I like to make out with the right girls (usually when drunk) but can’t imagine going south of the border. Well, I can imagine it and have no interest. So whatever my label is, I do not want anything to do with my friend *Gina.

This whole thing is very ironic as she has always been judgemental when I flirt with men while out with her. She’s said to others (who’ve told me) that she doesn’t think it’s fair to my husband that I make out/dance with others. But apparently it’s ok if I cheat on him with her.

I won’t go into previous episodes, but the one last night has really bothered me ever since and I’m unsure what to do. We went out with a large group of people and eventually they all went home, leaving the two of us. She lives in the city and I’m in the burbs, so in the past I’ve just stayed at her place so I don’t drink and drive. Well last night we went to a bar to visit a friend of mine and it was clear she was over the top drunk. So I cut the whole thing short and dragged her out of there. I’d stopped drinking 2 hours before but had a bad headache all night. I just wanted to go home but she talked me into sleeping over in her guest room. I did so because of the headache and I just didn’t want to risk that I was more drunk than I felt.

So I fall asleep in her guest bed and after a few minutes, wake up and she’s spooning me! Her hand is under my shirt but just on my waist. She said, “Take your bra off.” I said NO and she said, “what’s the big deal? Why won’t you just let it happen?” I totally want to vomit just repeating all this. In the past she’s asked me to kiss her or talked about how she’d like to go down on me YUCK but it was all kind of jokey. Well she was serious last night. She whined, “take your bra offfff” again and kept pressuring me. I just said NO and told her to cut it out - that I was going to sleep. Then I pretended to fall asleep and she finally went back to her bed.

Every time I close my eyes to go to sleep, I hear her demanding for me to remove my bra. I’m not attracted to her AT ALL and I guess I’m even repulsed by her after all these years of this. Unsure what to do.

Just Chillin'

Thu, 20 Jan 2011 15:16:00 -0500

So new year, new roster. That sounds awful but here’s why. The reason why I was flirty and hanging out with these two men I’ve blogged about earlier was because we have so much in common and because I was hoping they were interested…

Well neither of them are very good at sending signs. They’re both cool with making out and misbehaving (partying etc.), but are basically cold fish when we’re not together. So that’s cool - I’m moving on. I’m not chasing anyone anymore. I don’t have to. So maybe 2011 will bring some new (or old) flames….or not.

Things with my husband have been nice lately. He’s been more affectionate lately and more verbal. Minimal sex which is how I like it now as I am not really attracted to him anymore. His lack of attention and sexual interest used to devastate me I’ve settled into it now because I’m able to supplement my life with adventures. I meet old friends when I travel for work or flirt/make out with men (and some women) when I go out once a month or so with my friends, and life is good.

Being single is so tough- I always felt like I was chasing after someone or lonely. Now I’ve achieved the right balance for me and I’m happy as a clam.

I completely understand when people judge me or “remind” me of my marriage. I politely excuse myself from their company as I cannot beat myself up anymore. I’ve accepted my body and my interests.

But the inevitable knocks on my door occasionally - someday my husband will find out and be very hurt. All I can do is deal with that if/when it happens and do my very best to make sure that it doesn’t. I know that freedom isn’t free.

fuckyeahtattoos: this is my newest tattoo, a quote from Elliott...

Wed, 05 Jan 2011 16:19:18 -0500

fuckyeahtattoos:

this is my newest tattoo, a quote from Elliott Smith’s song “Twilight” written in my best friend’s handwriting. although it was done on a whim, it’s probably the most meaningful to me.

Bucket List

Wed, 05 Jan 2011 15:21:57 -0500

Ok so Bucket List is such a cheesy phrase but I’ve crossed something off it. I was “made over” at a BDSM party, which could mean any number of things. In my case, I was tied and whipped with this little leather thingy with multiple strands. I think “whipped” may be overstated, but it was HOT! Wasn’t necessarily a turn-on, but the thought of others watching me and being turned on was. And it made me feel so alive.

I am not alone

Wed, 05 Jan 2011 15:13:00 -0500

An update to my last post. Shane met me in Jacksonville where we drank and went out for two or three nights. The first night, after we returned from the bar/stripclub, we lay in our separate double beds in my hotel room and he made a crack about how he’d hoped we’d be in the same bed. I went over to his bed and he eventually raised my face to his and we made out a bit. He’s a great kisser. Then the next night we were drunk in a cab and he reached over and held my hand. What a wonderful feeling - the first kiss with someone new or the first time you hold hands. A rush that I hadn’t felt in awhile.

Then my friends and I arranged a New Year’s Eve trip to Las Vegas. Shane stayed in my room with me in my bed, but nothing really happened except a little more making out. I’m not looking to have sex with him but he sleeps with EVERYONE, so I’m just wondering what the issue is? He’s said that he’s slept with many married women, so that’s not the issue. Regardless, he’s becoming one of my closest friends and we have so much fun together. His personality is what mine would be if you peeled back the layers of wife and mom and taxpayer.

What I do know is that I have not had sex with anyone since this summer in Bermuda except for my husband once or twice. It sounds so pathetic to read that back and be semi-proud. The whole thing is pathetic, honestly.

So I’m reading this book, To Love, Honor, and Betray: The Secret Life of Suburban Wives by Stephanie Gertler. I highly recommend this book to anyone who has been unfaithful to a spouse. By reading these vignettes, I’m coming to understand that I’m not the only one that feels the way I do and also understanding why I do what I do. I’d like to post some of the quotes I’ve highlighted in case they may help others or just help you understand me.

“These women felt that they not only tried to get through to their husbands but were still trying, despite their current affairs…When their husbands responded to their grievances, the wives felt the response was perfunctory and dismissive. They were left feeling undesirable, hurt and emotionally unsafe.”

I have learned how strong and frightening the feeling of being undesirable is, and I know it is a major root of all this.

“When a woman finds herself in what is meant to be a permanent union with a man who, for whatever reason, leaves her cold, a kind of desperation can occur.”

I wish I could get that tattooed on my wrist.

“These women look like other women. She looks like a mother, a wife, a friend, and speaks like a woman whose heart is breaking in two.”

“He made me feel old and foolish for even wanting sex. It was so depressing to lie in bed and listen to him snore or have him hardly acknowledge me.”

“Having sex with my husband now would be worse than having sex with a stranger.” While I’m not at that point, I can definitely relate. When my husband decides it’s time for our quarterly romp, I can see it coming a mile away and dread it. Not because it’s unsatisfactory, but because I know I’m not attracted to him and it takes alot of work to get into it.

“I doubt we will ever recapture what we had when we were dating and living together before we were married. I think it’s a lost cause. I don’t know exactly what I’m going to do, and I try not to think about the future, because it’s too painful.”

“I am desirable and desirous and passionate and alive.” This is not an excuse to me, but an affirmation.

If you’re reading this, thank you.

Viva Las Vegas

Sun, 28 Nov 2010 17:22:00 -0500

I was sent for work out to Las Vegas to help organize a major political effort two weeks prior to election day. My coworkers and I were put in with a group of organizers and began to shape the work we had to do. Amongst them were several much older men, some older Dad-types and some fun and interesting younger men. A few days into the effort we were merged with another group, which brought in three new men in their late-20’s/early 30’s. I instantly clicked with the three of them as we have similar interests and senses of humor. We started all hanging out and drinking after our long work days. One night I went out with just one of them, Shane, while the others caught up on sleep.

We had so much in common but things never became physical as I didnt think he was interested in me in that way. But we became close friends and have kept in touch since Vegas. He has sent funny little hints about a possible physical relationship between the two of us, but I can’t tell if he’s kidding and/or being nice. He’s been with ALOT of women - and from what I saw in LV, does not appear to be into bigger girls.

So I told him I was being sent to Jacksonville. He offered to meet me out there when I complained that there is nothing to do. I was so excited as we had so much fun together so I said SURE! Well he’s really flying there to meet me and I’m not sure what’s next. I feel guilty and I haven’t even done anything wrong yet.

On another note, it seems I’ve been seeing alot on TV/web lately about fidelity. Like I’ll be out and a girlfriend will say, “Oh that guy over there is giving me the look but I can’t because I’m married. And I feel bad for that person - like saying you can have your cake… And then the traditionalist in me kicks in and I wonder why I can’t just follow the rules of my own marriage etc.

There’s a cycle of feeling on top of the world and then so much self-loathing. A cycle of action, then justification, then more self-loathing. My husband is such a wonderful, loyal, loving, boring man. I never want to lose what we have together but I know eventually he will find something out and feel so betrayed. It’s like being very drunk and driving a car—knowing the odds are that I will crash but still going because there’s the small chance that I may get home without anyone knowing and nobody getting hurt.