Posts tagged adultery

Yep. There’s this man that I want to shag like a minx. This tweet prompted my post:

So I went to that website my friend suggested about alternative marriage arrangements and it was some pay site, so I did a little Amazon trolling and found a new-ish book, Open All the Way: Confessions From My Open Marriage by Sadie Smythe, which is based on Sadie’s blog, Sadiesopenmarriage.com.

I’m so happy I downloaded this book and encourage anyone in any sort of committed relationship to do so, as it chronicals what can happen (both good and bad) to two people that throw rules and mores out the window.

I wish I had the courage to ask my husband for an open relationship, but as I’ve written before, it would be a selfish request only because I know that it’s very unlikely my husband would ever see anyone else.  Asking him would reveal that it is what I want and I know that would hurt him.  BUT I did tell him all about the book and even requested that he read it. I pitched it as an interesting way to look at relationships: that your marriage is between you and the one you love, nobody else. And because of that, it is up to the two of you to decide what rules, if any, you have to follow. And that does not necessarily mean monogamy.

A major learning I take away from this is that open marriages doesn’t necessarily just mean one or both people are fucking others. In some cases, they may form meaningful, long-term relationships with others! But in Sadie’s marriage, she realised that her husband was not hers - she didn’t own him. He was on loan to her, and therefore, could be loaned to others. They realized that a person could have many soulmates, and to deny someone the ability to know that person learn from that relationship isn’t fair.  I’d also like to note that Scott and her husband, Sadie, have a child just like my husband and I.  While I do not necessarily agree with all of her actions and decisions, the overall theme of the book and the honesty between the two of them really inspires me.

I want to include a few quotes from the book that really resonated with me.

“Perhaps we all have been culturally brainwashed to believe that sexual fidelity is the only acceptable construct for the basis of a successful marriage.  Certainy there are alternatives?”

“Every relationship we have with someone, be it sexual or emotional like with lovers and spouses, or platonic and transcendent, as with friends, colleagues or peers, each on has the ability to teach us…Part of why we are here is to learn things about ourselves and about eachother through the connections that we form.”   

“Everyone should be given the opportunity to design their relationships according to the specifications of those involved.”

“If I relinquish ownership (of my spouse), I relinquish control over that person.  And with that, I can let go of the jealousy I feel, which is only a manifestion of my irrational fear.  And this brings a peace to me.” 

“Stay with a person long enough, and there will come a time that it is necessary to reevaluate the relationship.  It’s just the law of the nature of long-term relationships.  Unfortunately, most people —and certainly to the ones who cheat — do that reevaluating on their own instead of with their partner.”

“I think men don’t give their wives enough credit sometimes for being open-minded enough to consider an alternative lifestyle when things have become monotonous in the bedroom.”

Now here are some quotes that straight-up apply to me and make me so conflicted about coming clean. Not about what I’ve done, but that I want more freedom in my marriage to at least be with others sexually. 

“Is it really easier to cheat on one’s spouse than to be open and honest about one’s feelings?”  “It appears to be burdonsome and arduous, all the sneaking around and covering up…” and “Am I a partner in a marriage that is strong enough to sustain the brutal honesty that is often required for it to continue in a happy and functional way?”

I am always open to suggestions from anyone reading - especially if you are in a similar situation. Thank you for reading.

(Source: sadiesopenmarriage.comk)

So I had a long conversation with a close friend who is aware of the majority of my exploits. She’s even been in vicinity for several.  She told me I was a nonconformist because I do not follow rules as an athiest re: marriage.  I told her that in terms of my marriage, I’m not a nonconformist but a hypocrite.  I took the vows to commit and flagrantly break them.  She, however, is a traditionalist - believes that once you commit to someone, that’s it. Period.  We’re friends because we have alot of other things in common and because she doesn’t judge me.

Then she asked me a very important question. “What would your husband do if he found out that you cheated? Would he be okay with it?”

I thought a bit and told her that I don’t think he’d be “okay” with it but it likely wouldn’t divorce me because of it.  Then she asked me how I think he’d respond if I asked for an open relationship and would he be hurt?  This is the question that has been bouncing around my head for years. I never, ever want to hurt him in any way, but I recognize that it’s only a matter of time before I slip up and he finds out that I’ve made out with someone else or worse.  But would it hurt him if I asked for an open marriage? I honestly don’t know and I’m unsure if I’m willing to find out.  So I have some serious thinking to do.  Would I be asking to make myself feel better about future activities or to absolve myself in some way and his expense?  Because I don’t believe my husband would go out and have an affair, etc.  If he had a sex drive he’d be driving me!

Then my friend told me about her friend Wendy that has an open relationship with her husband, but her husband doesn’t go outside the marriage. It’s more for the wife as the husband is asexual or has become asexual and she has sex with others for her own satisfaction.  This astonishes me. My friend told me that it’s really working well for Wendy and her husband and that they’re both happy. 

Does the husband sit and obsess with thoughts about what Wendy is doing every time she leaves the house? Or does he see it as a trade-off? She leaves him alone sexually and they have sex a few times a year (whenever he’s interested) and in return, he gives her that freedom. 

So my friend gave me a website that I’m going to check out. It’s about customizing a marriage so that both partners are happy and stay happy using multiple aspects of marriages or relationships in general. I’m fascinated! redefiningmonogamy.com

I’ll let you know what I think.

So around the beginning of the year I said “new year, new roster.” Not true as one of those guys I referenced started sexting me! So now I have this super secret sexting relationship HAHAHA. This guy is so hot, too. My life is so effing crazy.

It always happens after a long business trip full of daytime adrenaline and evening debauchery - depression. In addition to vodka withdrawal, I’m having withdrawal from the man I referenced in my previous post(s). Started out weird but then got more comfortable - he kissed me one night and we made out a little bit. Then the next day he tells me he’s “seeing someone” and she’s coming to visit him in Chicago kind of unexpectedly. But that she’d be gone in two days and then he’d be back boozin and terrorizing Chicago with me.

She sounds like a total drag but whatever- I’m in no position to say anything as we’re not committed in any way and I’m married to someone else. So I just did my thang and he did his. Then once she was gone we were back on.

We’ve never gone any further than fooling around and he always pulls back when things are going in that direction. I just shrug my shoulders - whatever. I love making out with him and dancing in the club like I’m 20 and I consider him one of my closest friends because we tell eachother everything.  But he’s like me - the more he drinks, the more honest he gets. And he said “Why can’t she be you?” and I just wanted to say - “You have me” but I know he doesn’t in the sense that we could be together anytime.  I’d meet him anywhere etc. but in the end I’m just a cheater. But I’ve got it pretty bad for this guy :( 

It’s been awhile so I’ll run through a quick update so I have it down and never forget. Shane met me a few weeks ago in New Orleans while I was on work travel. It was so great to have a partner in crime - there of all places, as it’s pure hedonism and debauchery. I spent a rediculous amount of money on strippers and booze and we had a great time, but we spent 3 nights in the same room with nothing more than snuggling, and I’m happy about that. He’s just like me but I’m honestly not that attracted to him, which unnerves me as apparently he’s a total man-whore. I think it may throw him off, too, as he apparently thinks he’s quite the pimp. I love spending time with him, though.

It’s quite the opposite with my man Jake, the guy I see for work every once in awhile. We also enjoy much of the same debauchery and have so much in common re: our marriages and outlook on life, but the difference is I want to rip his clothes off. I’m hoping he’ll be working for us for a week or so in Chicago in July and that we will be able to terrorize Chicago like we did New Orleans last year.  We’ve texted back and forth once every few weeks or so but today we spoke for awhile on the phone.

Speaking to him just underscored what I’ve always knew - he gets it. He totally understands what I’m doing and why. He’s dealing with the crumbling of his marriage, though. I, on the other hand, continue to lead a double life. I’m a domestic goddess when I’m home and live the life of a single undergrad when on travel. My husband has no idea what I’m really like and I’d die if he found out. As Jake said, “I don’t feel bad for what I’ve done. Only that the other person is hurting.”  I never want my husband to hurt like I know he would if he knew a fraction of my behavior over the past 3 years. He doesn’t deserve that, so as I told Jake, “I will do anything I can to make sure he never finds out.”

The strange thing is, tonight I was putting my son to bed and went for an old notebook. A thick letter folded in half fell out. It’s a letter I wrote to my husband EXACTLY 3 years ago TO THE DAY and I’d totally forgot about. At the time I was so depressed because I felt like I’d been defeated. That I’d fought so hard for our marriage but the last breath of life had just leaked out. Here’s some of what I wrote:

“…Alot of me wants to admit defeat and count myself lucky to have what we once had - intimacy, pain of separation, meaningful conversation and interaction.  Being lazy means not feeling rejected or having crying tirades that result in nothing.  Acceptance means that I, at 31 years old and married for 5 years, have seen the best of  my life and should move on to the next stage.  Complacency means accepting my role as a mother as the only role left for me and defining myself as such.  In essence, becoming everythin I didn’t want to when we started 13 years ago.  I will do it if that’s how you want our life together to be.

“But if by chance you don’t, I need to know now. Before it’s too late to go back, and I feel we’re dangerously close.  I’m dying inside, and you decide whether or not I just keep dying until there’s nothing left.  Looking at that makes me realize thatI may be being overdramatic, but I know I’m different than 3 months ago, than 6 months ago, than 2 years ago. I feel my spirit dying. 

I may never give this to you but I know I’ve basically said it before, only to feel like you don’t hear me.  Here it is - if you’re interested in me and in us, show some interest.  If not, please tell me so and I’ll just stop fighting against this.  I can’t think of anything worse than being lonely in a marriage.” 

S

I never gave it to him. But as I wrote, I’d said basically this several times before. It’d be better for a day or so and then return to how it was. Three years later I’m happier than I ever have been.  I never thought that by accepting my marriage for what it’d become - basically roommates who snuggle — would actually be a good thing for my well-being. Some can argue that a life of lies is no way to live, but it’s what I have, and I’ve accepted that too.

So new year, new roster. That sounds awful but here’s why. The reason why I was flirty and hanging out with these two men I’ve blogged about earlier was because we have so much in common and because I was hoping they were interested…

Well neither of them are very good at sending signs. They’re both cool with making out and misbehaving (partying etc.), but are basically cold fish when we’re not together. So that’s cool - I’m moving on. I’m not chasing anyone anymore. I don’t have to.  So maybe 2011 will bring some new (or old) flames….or not.

Things with my husband have been nice lately. He’s been more affectionate lately and more verbal. Minimal sex which is how I like it now as I am not really attracted to him anymore. His lack of attention and sexual interest used to devastate me I’ve settled into it now because I’m able to supplement my life with adventures. I meet old friends when I travel for work or flirt/make out with men (and some women) when I go out once a month or so with my friends, and life is good.

Being single is so tough- I always felt like I was chasing after someone or lonely. Now I’ve achieved the right balance for me and I’m happy as a clam.

I completely understand when people judge me or “remind” me of my marriage. I politely excuse myself from their company as I cannot beat myself up anymore. I’ve accepted my body and my interests.

But the inevitable knocks on my door occasionally - someday my husband will find out and be very hurt. All I can do is deal with that if/when it happens and do my very best to make sure that it doesn’t. I know that freedom isn’t free. 

An update to my last post. Shane met me in Jacksonville where we drank and went out for two or three nights.  The first night, after we returned from the bar/stripclub, we lay in our separate double beds in my hotel room and he made a crack about how he’d hoped we’d be in the same bed. I went over to his bed and he eventually raised my face to his and we made out a bit. He’s a great kisser. Then the next night we were drunk in a cab and he reached over and held my hand. What a wonderful feeling - the first kiss with someone new or the first time you hold hands. A rush that I hadn’t felt in awhile. 

Then my friends and I arranged a New Year’s Eve trip to Las Vegas. Shane stayed in my room with me in my bed, but nothing really happened except a little more making out. I’m not looking to have sex with him but he sleeps with EVERYONE, so I’m just wondering what the issue is? He’s said that he’s slept with many married women, so that’s not the issue. Regardless, he’s becoming one of my closest friends and we have so much fun together.  His personality is what mine would be if you peeled back the layers of wife and mom and taxpayer. 

What I do know is that I have not had sex with anyone since this summer in Bermuda except for my husband once or twice. It sounds so pathetic to read that back and be semi-proud. The whole thing is pathetic, honestly.

So I’m reading this book, To Love, Honor, and Betray: The Secret Life of Suburban Wives by Stephanie Gertler.  I highly recommend this book to anyone who has been unfaithful to a spouse.  By reading these vignettes, I’m coming to understand that I’m not the only one that feels the way I do and also understanding why I do what I do. I’d like to post some of the quotes I’ve highlighted in case they may help others or just help you understand me.

“These women felt that they not only tried to get through to their husbands but were still trying, despite their current affairs…When their husbands responded to their grievances, the wives felt the response was perfunctory and dismissive.  They were left feeling undesirable, hurt and emotionally unsafe.” 

I have learned how strong and frightening the feeling of being undesirable is, and I know it is a major root of all this. 

“When a woman finds herself in what is meant to be a permanent union with a man who, for whatever reason, leaves her cold, a kind of desperation can occur.”

I wish I could get that tattooed on my wrist.

“These women look like other women.  She looks like a mother, a wife, a friend, and speaks like a woman whose heart is breaking in two.”

“He made me feel old and foolish for even wanting sex.  It was so depressing to lie in bed and listen to him snore or have him hardly acknowledge me.”

“Having sex with my husband now would be worse than having sex with a stranger.” While I’m not at that point, I can definitely relate. When my husband decides it’s time for our quarterly romp, I can see it coming a mile away and dread it. Not because it’s unsatisfactory, but because I know I’m not attracted to him and it takes alot of work to get into it.

“I doubt we will ever recapture what we had when we were dating and living together before we were married.  I think it’s a lost cause.  I don’t know exactly what I’m going to do, and I try not to think about the future, because it’s too painful.”

“I am desirable and desirous and passionate and alive.”  This is not an excuse to me, but an affirmation.

If you’re reading this, thank you.

I was sent for work out to Las Vegas to help organize a major political effort two weeks prior to election day. My coworkers and I were put in with a group of organizers and began to shape the work we had to do. Amongst them were several much older men, some older Dad-types and some fun and interesting younger men. A few days into the effort we were merged with another group, which brought in three new men in their late-20’s/early 30’s.  I instantly clicked with the three of them as we have similar interests and senses of humor. We started all hanging out and drinking after our long work days. One night I went out with just one of them, Shane, while the others caught up on sleep. 

We had so much in common but things never became physical as I didnt think he was interested in me in that way.  But we became close friends and have kept in touch since Vegas. He has sent funny little hints about a possible physical relationship between the two of us, but I can’t tell if he’s kidding and/or being nice. He’s been with ALOT of women - and from what I saw in LV, does not appear to be into bigger girls.  

So I told him I was being sent to Jacksonville. He offered to meet me out there when I complained that there is nothing to do. I was so excited as we had so much fun together so I said SURE! Well he’s really flying there to meet me and I’m not sure what’s next. I feel guilty and I haven’t even done anything wrong yet.

On another note, it seems I’ve been seeing alot on TV/web lately about fidelity. Like I’ll be out and a girlfriend will say, “Oh that guy over there is giving me the look but I can’t because I’m married. And I feel bad for that person - like saying you can have your cake… And then the traditionalist in me kicks in and I wonder why I can’t just follow the rules of my own marriage etc. 

There’s a cycle of feeling on top of the world and then so much self-loathing. A cycle of action, then justification, then more self-loathing. My husband is such a wonderful, loyal, loving, boring man. I never want to lose what we have together but I know eventually he will find something out and feel so betrayed.  It’s like being very drunk and driving a car—knowing the odds are that I will crash but still going because there’s the small chance that I may get home without anyone knowing and nobody getting hurt. 

http://www.dooce.com/2010/10/19/wherein-i-answer-frequently-asked-question

Ok so I love Heather B. Armstrong’s blog DOOCE and she wrote this great post about antidepressants and their effects on her sex drive. She writes that she’s tried various meds and is now on Cymbalta and hoping it will give her her sex drive back, as her doctor says it “might not reduce your sex drive.” 

Bad news, Heather. I’m on both Cymbalta and Wellbutrin and it has eradicated my sex drive…but in a different way. I have no interest in having sex for the most part, but expecially have no appetite for sex with people I should be having sex with (read: my husband). 

I don’t reeeeally blame Cymbalta for the person-specific libido killing.  I blame my husband for not being interested in me sexually. I believe that as a defense mechanism, I just stopped being attracted to him even when a peek of sex-drive sunlight came through the Cymbalta clouds.  For several years I would get so hurt and upset because he wouldn’t raise an eyebrow in my direction. I’d beg him to go to therapy alone or with me, to exercise alone or with  me.

His self-esteem issues and low libido have killed our sex life and as a result, I am totally f**ed in the head. So now all someone has to do is show interest and actively pursue me for to return a little enthusiasm. I could never tell this stuff to my psychiatrist so instead you get to read it. Thanks for doing so - it’s somehow validating.