Posts tagged love

So I had a long conversation with a close friend who is aware of the majority of my exploits. She’s even been in vicinity for several.  She told me I was a nonconformist because I do not follow rules as an athiest re: marriage.  I told her that in terms of my marriage, I’m not a nonconformist but a hypocrite.  I took the vows to commit and flagrantly break them.  She, however, is a traditionalist - believes that once you commit to someone, that’s it. Period.  We’re friends because we have alot of other things in common and because she doesn’t judge me.

Then she asked me a very important question. “What would your husband do if he found out that you cheated? Would he be okay with it?”

I thought a bit and told her that I don’t think he’d be “okay” with it but it likely wouldn’t divorce me because of it.  Then she asked me how I think he’d respond if I asked for an open relationship and would he be hurt?  This is the question that has been bouncing around my head for years. I never, ever want to hurt him in any way, but I recognize that it’s only a matter of time before I slip up and he finds out that I’ve made out with someone else or worse.  But would it hurt him if I asked for an open marriage? I honestly don’t know and I’m unsure if I’m willing to find out.  So I have some serious thinking to do.  Would I be asking to make myself feel better about future activities or to absolve myself in some way and his expense?  Because I don’t believe my husband would go out and have an affair, etc.  If he had a sex drive he’d be driving me!

Then my friend told me about her friend Wendy that has an open relationship with her husband, but her husband doesn’t go outside the marriage. It’s more for the wife as the husband is asexual or has become asexual and she has sex with others for her own satisfaction.  This astonishes me. My friend told me that it’s really working well for Wendy and her husband and that they’re both happy. 

Does the husband sit and obsess with thoughts about what Wendy is doing every time she leaves the house? Or does he see it as a trade-off? She leaves him alone sexually and they have sex a few times a year (whenever he’s interested) and in return, he gives her that freedom. 

So my friend gave me a website that I’m going to check out. It’s about customizing a marriage so that both partners are happy and stay happy using multiple aspects of marriages or relationships in general. I’m fascinated! redefiningmonogamy.com

I’ll let you know what I think.

It’s been awhile so I’ll run through a quick update so I have it down and never forget. Shane met me a few weeks ago in New Orleans while I was on work travel. It was so great to have a partner in crime - there of all places, as it’s pure hedonism and debauchery. I spent a rediculous amount of money on strippers and booze and we had a great time, but we spent 3 nights in the same room with nothing more than snuggling, and I’m happy about that. He’s just like me but I’m honestly not that attracted to him, which unnerves me as apparently he’s a total man-whore. I think it may throw him off, too, as he apparently thinks he’s quite the pimp. I love spending time with him, though.

It’s quite the opposite with my man Jake, the guy I see for work every once in awhile. We also enjoy much of the same debauchery and have so much in common re: our marriages and outlook on life, but the difference is I want to rip his clothes off. I’m hoping he’ll be working for us for a week or so in Chicago in July and that we will be able to terrorize Chicago like we did New Orleans last year.  We’ve texted back and forth once every few weeks or so but today we spoke for awhile on the phone.

Speaking to him just underscored what I’ve always knew - he gets it. He totally understands what I’m doing and why. He’s dealing with the crumbling of his marriage, though. I, on the other hand, continue to lead a double life. I’m a domestic goddess when I’m home and live the life of a single undergrad when on travel. My husband has no idea what I’m really like and I’d die if he found out. As Jake said, “I don’t feel bad for what I’ve done. Only that the other person is hurting.”  I never want my husband to hurt like I know he would if he knew a fraction of my behavior over the past 3 years. He doesn’t deserve that, so as I told Jake, “I will do anything I can to make sure he never finds out.”

The strange thing is, tonight I was putting my son to bed and went for an old notebook. A thick letter folded in half fell out. It’s a letter I wrote to my husband EXACTLY 3 years ago TO THE DAY and I’d totally forgot about. At the time I was so depressed because I felt like I’d been defeated. That I’d fought so hard for our marriage but the last breath of life had just leaked out. Here’s some of what I wrote:

“…Alot of me wants to admit defeat and count myself lucky to have what we once had - intimacy, pain of separation, meaningful conversation and interaction.  Being lazy means not feeling rejected or having crying tirades that result in nothing.  Acceptance means that I, at 31 years old and married for 5 years, have seen the best of  my life and should move on to the next stage.  Complacency means accepting my role as a mother as the only role left for me and defining myself as such.  In essence, becoming everythin I didn’t want to when we started 13 years ago.  I will do it if that’s how you want our life together to be.

“But if by chance you don’t, I need to know now. Before it’s too late to go back, and I feel we’re dangerously close.  I’m dying inside, and you decide whether or not I just keep dying until there’s nothing left.  Looking at that makes me realize thatI may be being overdramatic, but I know I’m different than 3 months ago, than 6 months ago, than 2 years ago. I feel my spirit dying. 

I may never give this to you but I know I’ve basically said it before, only to feel like you don’t hear me.  Here it is - if you’re interested in me and in us, show some interest.  If not, please tell me so and I’ll just stop fighting against this.  I can’t think of anything worse than being lonely in a marriage.” 

S

I never gave it to him. But as I wrote, I’d said basically this several times before. It’d be better for a day or so and then return to how it was. Three years later I’m happier than I ever have been.  I never thought that by accepting my marriage for what it’d become - basically roommates who snuggle — would actually be a good thing for my well-being. Some can argue that a life of lies is no way to live, but it’s what I have, and I’ve accepted that too.