Posts tagged sex

So I went to that website my friend suggested about alternative marriage arrangements and it was some pay site, so I did a little Amazon trolling and found a new-ish book, Open All the Way: Confessions From My Open Marriage by Sadie Smythe, which is based on Sadie’s blog, Sadiesopenmarriage.com.

I’m so happy I downloaded this book and encourage anyone in any sort of committed relationship to do so, as it chronicals what can happen (both good and bad) to two people that throw rules and mores out the window.

I wish I had the courage to ask my husband for an open relationship, but as I’ve written before, it would be a selfish request only because I know that it’s very unlikely my husband would ever see anyone else.  Asking him would reveal that it is what I want and I know that would hurt him.  BUT I did tell him all about the book and even requested that he read it. I pitched it as an interesting way to look at relationships: that your marriage is between you and the one you love, nobody else. And because of that, it is up to the two of you to decide what rules, if any, you have to follow. And that does not necessarily mean monogamy.

A major learning I take away from this is that open marriages doesn’t necessarily just mean one or both people are fucking others. In some cases, they may form meaningful, long-term relationships with others! But in Sadie’s marriage, she realised that her husband was not hers - she didn’t own him. He was on loan to her, and therefore, could be loaned to others. They realized that a person could have many soulmates, and to deny someone the ability to know that person learn from that relationship isn’t fair.  I’d also like to note that Scott and her husband, Sadie, have a child just like my husband and I.  While I do not necessarily agree with all of her actions and decisions, the overall theme of the book and the honesty between the two of them really inspires me.

I want to include a few quotes from the book that really resonated with me.

“Perhaps we all have been culturally brainwashed to believe that sexual fidelity is the only acceptable construct for the basis of a successful marriage.  Certainy there are alternatives?”

“Every relationship we have with someone, be it sexual or emotional like with lovers and spouses, or platonic and transcendent, as with friends, colleagues or peers, each on has the ability to teach us…Part of why we are here is to learn things about ourselves and about eachother through the connections that we form.”   

“Everyone should be given the opportunity to design their relationships according to the specifications of those involved.”

“If I relinquish ownership (of my spouse), I relinquish control over that person.  And with that, I can let go of the jealousy I feel, which is only a manifestion of my irrational fear.  And this brings a peace to me.” 

“Stay with a person long enough, and there will come a time that it is necessary to reevaluate the relationship.  It’s just the law of the nature of long-term relationships.  Unfortunately, most people —and certainly to the ones who cheat — do that reevaluating on their own instead of with their partner.”

“I think men don’t give their wives enough credit sometimes for being open-minded enough to consider an alternative lifestyle when things have become monotonous in the bedroom.”

Now here are some quotes that straight-up apply to me and make me so conflicted about coming clean. Not about what I’ve done, but that I want more freedom in my marriage to at least be with others sexually. 

“Is it really easier to cheat on one’s spouse than to be open and honest about one’s feelings?”  “It appears to be burdonsome and arduous, all the sneaking around and covering up…” and “Am I a partner in a marriage that is strong enough to sustain the brutal honesty that is often required for it to continue in a happy and functional way?”

I am always open to suggestions from anyone reading - especially if you are in a similar situation. Thank you for reading.

(Source: sadiesopenmarriage.comk)

So I had a long conversation with a close friend who is aware of the majority of my exploits. She’s even been in vicinity for several.  She told me I was a nonconformist because I do not follow rules as an athiest re: marriage.  I told her that in terms of my marriage, I’m not a nonconformist but a hypocrite.  I took the vows to commit and flagrantly break them.  She, however, is a traditionalist - believes that once you commit to someone, that’s it. Period.  We’re friends because we have alot of other things in common and because she doesn’t judge me.

Then she asked me a very important question. “What would your husband do if he found out that you cheated? Would he be okay with it?”

I thought a bit and told her that I don’t think he’d be “okay” with it but it likely wouldn’t divorce me because of it.  Then she asked me how I think he’d respond if I asked for an open relationship and would he be hurt?  This is the question that has been bouncing around my head for years. I never, ever want to hurt him in any way, but I recognize that it’s only a matter of time before I slip up and he finds out that I’ve made out with someone else or worse.  But would it hurt him if I asked for an open marriage? I honestly don’t know and I’m unsure if I’m willing to find out.  So I have some serious thinking to do.  Would I be asking to make myself feel better about future activities or to absolve myself in some way and his expense?  Because I don’t believe my husband would go out and have an affair, etc.  If he had a sex drive he’d be driving me!

Then my friend told me about her friend Wendy that has an open relationship with her husband, but her husband doesn’t go outside the marriage. It’s more for the wife as the husband is asexual or has become asexual and she has sex with others for her own satisfaction.  This astonishes me. My friend told me that it’s really working well for Wendy and her husband and that they’re both happy. 

Does the husband sit and obsess with thoughts about what Wendy is doing every time she leaves the house? Or does he see it as a trade-off? She leaves him alone sexually and they have sex a few times a year (whenever he’s interested) and in return, he gives her that freedom. 

So my friend gave me a website that I’m going to check out. It’s about customizing a marriage so that both partners are happy and stay happy using multiple aspects of marriages or relationships in general. I’m fascinated! redefiningmonogamy.com

I’ll let you know what I think.

I’m excited about two things. One - a column response in BUST magazine (my favorite after Rolling Stone. Two - a conversation I had with one of my best friends that made alot of sense and forced me to think about alot of things I’ve been avoiding.  Before I continue, if you are a woman (young or not so young) and aren’t reading BUST magazine, please look into it at http://www.bust.com/.

Here’s Dr. Carol Queen’s sex column. First the question and then the response.

My husband and I have been married for two years and we’re on completely different pages when it comes to sex.  We started out hot and heavy and things have cooled down, as is only natural, but it’s as if the fire is completely gone for him. I’ve spoken to him many times about how I feel but it’s as if he doesn’t care.  The media is always telling us that men are sex-crazed; being constantly turned down makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me.  Is it normal for men to lose interest in sex after they get married?

Dr. Queen’s response:

One of the many indications that media and pop culture gender bias isn’t gone: the notion that guys want it more than women.  Am woman whose needs aren’t being erotically met by her partner can feel a little crazy; it can be a terrible blow to self-esteem, and even put a relationship in real jeaopardy.  There are many reasons his ardor may have cooled.  Someo times the constand togetherness and intimacy of a live-in relationship wears down the spark of difference that can fan sexual flames.  You may be more outgoing in your communication style; he may be less verbal, and feel overwhelmed when you raise the issue.  (I’m deleting a bunch of crap that doesn’t apply to my situation.)

I know, it’s a bit overwhelming, but that’s life and love; many things can affect desire.  And yes, it is very common for initial lust to cool down, but all gone in two years?  You didn’t sign up for this.  The next step is to ask yourself what you want to do about it.  Counseling? You might benefit from it even if he won’t go.  Open relationship? These aren’t easy to maintain, though some people are bohemian enough (?) to do it.  Skip sex? That option pretty much never gets my vote.  Is he a stellar partner in all other ways? Then perhaps he’s worth putting in a real effort for, but it sounds like you may need to do some heavy lifting to uncover his unspoken motivations and create a relationship with him that satisfies. 

Ok so why did I repost this?  Because obviously I’m in the exact same situation, except while the sexual aspect of my marriage fizzled after approximately a year, I have been married an additional 7 years more than the letter-writer has.  Why else? Maybe someone may stumble upon this blog or this entry and it may help them.  But the main reason is because Dr. Queen has put several options on the table, including opening the relationship.  Which brings me to the next post…

So around the beginning of the year I said “new year, new roster.” Not true as one of those guys I referenced started sexting me! So now I have this super secret sexting relationship HAHAHA. This guy is so hot, too. My life is so effing crazy.

An update to my last post. Shane met me in Jacksonville where we drank and went out for two or three nights.  The first night, after we returned from the bar/stripclub, we lay in our separate double beds in my hotel room and he made a crack about how he’d hoped we’d be in the same bed. I went over to his bed and he eventually raised my face to his and we made out a bit. He’s a great kisser. Then the next night we were drunk in a cab and he reached over and held my hand. What a wonderful feeling - the first kiss with someone new or the first time you hold hands. A rush that I hadn’t felt in awhile. 

Then my friends and I arranged a New Year’s Eve trip to Las Vegas. Shane stayed in my room with me in my bed, but nothing really happened except a little more making out. I’m not looking to have sex with him but he sleeps with EVERYONE, so I’m just wondering what the issue is? He’s said that he’s slept with many married women, so that’s not the issue. Regardless, he’s becoming one of my closest friends and we have so much fun together.  His personality is what mine would be if you peeled back the layers of wife and mom and taxpayer. 

What I do know is that I have not had sex with anyone since this summer in Bermuda except for my husband once or twice. It sounds so pathetic to read that back and be semi-proud. The whole thing is pathetic, honestly.

So I’m reading this book, To Love, Honor, and Betray: The Secret Life of Suburban Wives by Stephanie Gertler.  I highly recommend this book to anyone who has been unfaithful to a spouse.  By reading these vignettes, I’m coming to understand that I’m not the only one that feels the way I do and also understanding why I do what I do. I’d like to post some of the quotes I’ve highlighted in case they may help others or just help you understand me.

“These women felt that they not only tried to get through to their husbands but were still trying, despite their current affairs…When their husbands responded to their grievances, the wives felt the response was perfunctory and dismissive.  They were left feeling undesirable, hurt and emotionally unsafe.” 

I have learned how strong and frightening the feeling of being undesirable is, and I know it is a major root of all this. 

“When a woman finds herself in what is meant to be a permanent union with a man who, for whatever reason, leaves her cold, a kind of desperation can occur.”

I wish I could get that tattooed on my wrist.

“These women look like other women.  She looks like a mother, a wife, a friend, and speaks like a woman whose heart is breaking in two.”

“He made me feel old and foolish for even wanting sex.  It was so depressing to lie in bed and listen to him snore or have him hardly acknowledge me.”

“Having sex with my husband now would be worse than having sex with a stranger.” While I’m not at that point, I can definitely relate. When my husband decides it’s time for our quarterly romp, I can see it coming a mile away and dread it. Not because it’s unsatisfactory, but because I know I’m not attracted to him and it takes alot of work to get into it.

“I doubt we will ever recapture what we had when we were dating and living together before we were married.  I think it’s a lost cause.  I don’t know exactly what I’m going to do, and I try not to think about the future, because it’s too painful.”

“I am desirable and desirous and passionate and alive.”  This is not an excuse to me, but an affirmation.

If you’re reading this, thank you.